When Emotions and Collide With Tranquility

2012-04-25_1933This post reflects my Life after the death of my soul-mate Geri, in December. Death isn’t something new to me. I lost a brother when I was 13 in a violent freak car accident. I lost another brother to a heart attack while dancing when he was only 44. And both of my parents are resting in peace. I really struggled when my brother Tony died for many reasons that had to do with family dynamics. But nothing prepared me for the passing of my dearest Geraldine in December.

She had been ill for several years so it wasn’t a surprise like my brothers deaths had been. However, I have never loved anyone as deeply as I loved Geri. She completed me and some of my sentences. I worked from our home so I was with or around Geri almost all day long.

One thing that I want to share is this. During the grieving process we (those that let their emotions show) will experience frequent periods where are emotions collide with tranquility. And there is much that can or should be done about it, unless of course it becomes debilitating for you. You will be going about your day and suddenly you are overwhelmed with emotions.

You may or may not always recognize the triggers for these periods of sobbing and pain. For me and many others music is a trigger that set off these emotional explosions. Many times however, they will well-up from within as if it were on a whim. Sometimes I have found myself embracing these emotional displays and going with the pain and sometimes I have resented them.

Taking actions is very important. This is not a situation where going it alone or toughing it out works best. I have discovered that I am angry that she left me and that I had to pick up the pieces of our relationship all alone. I know intellectuality that her death was a good thing for her, but emotionally I feel abandoned. I work on this daily because I hate being alone. I have moved from our home and have my own apartment now. And I don’t have my friend in the room across the hall to speak with anymore.

My job, as I saw it, was to keep her happy and smiling and I went out of my way to do anything that would make her smile. I became the king of silly. I would sing (badly) or drop in dancing. I would do anything that I could to brighten her day. Now, I have blank walls and no smiles. I learned not to take her for granted because her days were numbered. In fact, the last three years were a bonus as she nearly died repeatedly in 2009 and 2010.

One thing I am certain is that over time mine pain will subside and yours will as well. If you find that you are struggling please do seek help. Really, this is a serious mental and physical health problem that may require professional intervention. There are many grief support groups available just Google it and take action.

I have found several that I will soon be attending soon. I hope you do as well. This isn’t a go it alone time. Many of you have extended family and friend networks and you should rely on them, if possible. But remaining alone with your thoughts and memories isn’t a good option for moving on.

It’s time that you embrace being a human and ask other humans for a little help. Just telling your story to others can provide enormous benefits. Yes, the man who claims to have no friends now needs help. I was content with Geri as my only friend, but now she is gone and I am paying the price. But I am not shy and I will find help and eventually friends. I never want to go through something like this without a support group.

What say you?

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