This post is part of an ongoing series where I reflect on my life as a caregiver for the love of my life Geraldine E Vigna, she died on 12/27/2012. It also includes stories about life after her death.
I woke up today knowing that a storm was approach Tucson and that wind advisories had been issued. I have difficulties with allergies on days like this so staying home seemed like a good option. I have an event lined out for tonight and I am hoping that the wind abates by then.
I thought it was a good time to work on my anger issues related to Geri’s death by creating a Power Point presentation for myself. This approach worked wonderfully for me in Geri’s last month of life. I did a presentation of Affirmations that spanned my entire life. The project grew into 236 slides.
The slides included images from my life, from where I had lived, and places that I had experienced. I also included an small image of myself. Thus it reinforced that Urban was only talking to Urban. Then I included affirmations that covered forgiveness, aspirations, and overcoming. This project saved my sanity as I watched Geri slip away from me. She even remarked about the positive changes the process was having on me.
With this in mind I decided to do something similar that dealt with my anger issues. I have experienced large volumes of grief related to being abandoned. Rationally, I know her death was a good thing on many levels, but I’m alone and my best and only friend is gone.
When you’re a caregiver for a dying loved one you give and give and then they die and leave you alone. Since Geri was my only friend I have no support group to rely on. So I sat down at the computer to deal with my grief. What I didn’t expect was the extent of my anger and pain that I was displaying. The experience actually made me ill.
I am having a hard time shaking the fact that I gave and gave until I ran out of strength and then she died. Then I was left all alone to pick up the pieces. I eventually would crawl back into bed and sob in a darkened room. Wow, I knew this project was needed I just didn’t know how much.
I am now going to depart the apartment to do some rather mundane things like picking up some bread and maybe some flowers. I must find a way to joy and happiness. Well, I went to Trader Joe’s and I did get bread and my first flowers since October.
What say you?
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